Blog Details Update

If you call by and check out this blog, firstly I am grateful and secondly I am aiming to set up a round-robin email to advise people of updates. If you would like to be included on that email list, please drop me a line at johnsayer98@gmail.com.

In addition, some people reading this blog may not be aware of my dedicated Facebook page - https://www.facebook.com/JohnSayerCounselling 

As always, please feel free to send me comments or suggestions whenever you wish.

Kind regards

John Sayer

The Dangers of Social Networking and .................

..................... the blight of hidden thuggery.

I see the various social media sites are hitting the news almost daily now and for all the wrong reasons. Inappropriate advertising, cyber-bullying, cyber-fraud - the list goes on. The original link I put on the Facebook page was:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-23709009 (just click to read the whole article).

When I had my regular blog running, I posted an article on this very subject  well over a year ago. Sadly, not much has changed and I wonder why. Is it because there isn't the motivation amongst our politicians and regulators to do anything about it, or is the problem so big, nothing can be done about it?

But today a young girl with her life ahead of her has been buried. Hannah Smith took her own life after being bullied on-line.  And this morning we hear of Daniel Perry who took his life after being blackmailed on-line.

There are numerous examples and I hope you have heard them all because if you haven't, you can't possibly be aware of the dangers you and your kids may be face on social media sites.

There is no doubt that in general these social networking sites (SNS) allow people to come together and there isn't a problem for most. But the article by the BBC focuses on Facebook.

I was dragged onto Facebook kicking and screaming about two years ago by a good friend who assured me that it was THE way to secure more business and be seen out there. Well, from that angle it has been of use, but no sooner had I set up my own FB account page, my friend had moved onto something else - Twitter, something I have no intention of dabbling in. I had heard so much about these SNS, yet I felt sorely let down by what I found and even today, it's almost embarrassing the things you can't do on it.

The BBC report outlines a study of the well-being of users. What wasn't pointed out is the subconscious effect as well as the conscious effect on people.  You may read something and the message may go straight to the subconscious possibly building up negativity.  For example, you get a message from a friend who is on an expensive holiday abroad and they avail you of all the details. Are you genuinely delighted for them or do you feel you're having your nose rubbed in the dirt and secretly you are jealous, envious, even angry?

Then you read a list of  posts of peoples' plights in their day to day world. There might be someone moaning about something quite trivial when the last article you read was about the deaths in Egypt. The juxtaposition of the two can be disarming. It's easy to see how frustration and annoyance can build up and if someone is constantly whinging about their problems, does your view of them change?

Nowadays, we live in an age where it is so easy to contact so many different people on-line. People we know, people we don't know and people we'd like to know.  But privacy and security is something so many people take for granted or, even worse, just don't bother about.

Through my counselling years, some 30/40% of my clients have had a personal experience of something going wrong with social networking - and I don't mean problems logging on or forgetting a password.  They experienced abuse, threats, misinformation, false accusations, hacking and stalking to name just some of the issues. 

They have lost partners to illicit affairs that were played out behind their backs for years in some cases. The ensuing overall problems of mis-trust, low self-esteem and poor confidence are rarely measured. However, if you imagine three out of ten people have been badly affected by something that is meant to be entertainment, well  would you buy that game?

There are a lot of fragile people out there and they don't know where to go when they are turned upon by an anonymous person somewhere in the ether. The result is a darkness that pervades even some of the most vivid nightmares.  The level of intensity created by a barrage of hate mail, violent threats and often, pornography, left some clients on the brink of breakdown. What is after all just a way of communicating, was being played out in living rooms and was very real.

The 'friending' or 'de-friending' of people has also left its mark.  If your self-esteem is brittle at the best of times, you can imagine how people would feel when they turn on their pc to find so-called friends had alienated them.  More sinister would be the 'games' families would play - Mothers or Fathers blocking sons or daughters or vice-versa.  

So, how does Facebook leave you feeling? Do you delete more than you keep?  Have you become bored with the content? Do you find yourself seeking the positive news rather than the grumbler's comments? Without knowing it, you may be subconsciously building up a cocktail of anger and frustration but without venting it.

I have no axe to grind against any of these services, but what happens when we don't take security seriously enough and we share information we would never have even thought of doing so just fifteen or so years ago. Children, as we know, are the most vulnerable here and it's heartening to see the outing of more cases of 'groomers' increasing; there is a growing awareness.  Yet, when something as big as a SNS becomes more than a plaything, it takes over your life.  Plus, when that source of misery takes little or no action against the pervaders of hatred, you wonder where this could lead to.

Parents have an on-going problem ensuring their children don't pass on personal details, not just about the child themselves, but the family home details, address, telephone number etc etc.  An innocent request for a home 'phone number can lead to real problems if that little bit of information gets into the wrong hands.

The language of the 'haters' as I call them, knows no bounds. They are capable of anything as they are cowards who exist behind a dull screen and a keyboard from which they pour their vitriol.  I've been asked in the past who I believe does this sort of thing; the sort of person who hides behind a computer and dishes out loathings and venom. The type of individual who believes he/she has the right to abuse and threaten someone they don't even know, someone they may only have formed an opinion via a radio or TV show.

I'm not qualified to give an educated answer, but I think a lot of the people who do this are frustrated individuals who are possibly mentally ill as well, who don't have much control over their own lives and therefore vent their fury to anyone who can be vulnerable to their actions.

But they can't all be sick, just take a look at the TV the next time the football is on and watch the torrent of abuse from the crowd when one of the opposition has the ball.  In the high street you'd be arrested for such abuse. These are grown men and women!! Why? 

If SNS have affected you, then  there are steps you can take to ensure the misery ends immediately. But sitting and hoping the answer lies in front of you, on the screen, will only prolong the agony.

Sibling Pecking Order

The issue of being an only child or the eldest of three or wherever you are in the hierarchy of families, has long been discussed and many theories have evolved as to what sort of person you may, or may not be, given your age relative to other siblings. It has often come up in my work and was raised again the other day, so I thought I'd add a post covering one or two of the theories.

Going back a hundred years, it wasn't unusual to find yourself as one child in four, five, six or even more in the family.  School uniforms, as well as day to day clothes, were handed down and toys were shared and passed over to a younger child as you got older.  There wasn't the clamour for designer shoes or fancy computer games as life was so much simpler and what was owned by a child wasn't based on quantity, but  Albert Adler (February 7, 1870 – May 28, 1937)

very much on quality.  You would think that a large family would see the children carrying the same traits; certainly, geneticists would say that any changes between the children would be caused by small differences in the individual's genetic make-up.  But Adler posed the question , "Why do children, who are raised in the same family, grow up with very different personalities?" 

He illustrated through his 'birth order' theory that children do not grow up in the same family, but the oldest child grows up in a family where they have younger siblings, the middle child with older and younger siblings, and the youngest with older siblings. He claimed it was all about the position you held in the family constellation.

Adler believed that if you took a three-child family, the oldest child would be the most likely to suffer from, among other things, neuroticism (a long-term tendency to be in a negative emotional state).  He saw that the eldest child would have feelings of excessive responsibility in having to look after the younger children.  There would be the added feelings of 'loss' of the top dog position the eldest would have claimed when they were once the only child.  He further believed that as a result of this change of status and all the stresses that went with it, this child was the most  likely of all to end up in jail or even an asylum!!

By contrast he saw the youngest sibling as the one who would tend to be spoilt and that this would  lead to poor social empathy later in life. Consequently, the middle child, who would not experience loss or overindulgence and would fall between two stools, would be the was most likely to develop into a successful individual, although could become a rebel and to feel squeezed-out. 

For his own part, Adler was the second in a family of six children.

What about the only child I hear you cry?  Well, there have been some interesting takes on this as well.  

Granville Stanley Hall (February 1, 1844 – April 24, 1924) supervised a study which was published in 1896 entitled Of Peculiar and Exceptional Children which described a series of only child oddballs as permanent misfits!!  "Being an only child is a disease in itself," he claimed.  I can't say I share his views on that one!

Since Adler's day, the influence of birth order on the development of an individual's personality has become a hot topic in psychology and psychotherapy.  It's hardly surprising really as trying to pigeon-hole a child, or children, into a single theory, is impossible.  We are all different.  One modern theory of personality states that the traits of Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism represent the most important parts of personality (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birth_order). 

The typical family is today far different to that of a hundred years or so ago.  The size of families is smaller, there are more social and media factors that influence individuals and two separate families can now come together more often so the additional dynamics of step-brother or step-sister are at play.  

When assessing my clients I always take into account the family set-up, but I would never assume that an only child must be of a certain disposition just because they don't have siblings.  I think it's an over-generalisation to assume the younger or older child will turn out a certain way because of their place in the pecking order, but it is important to consider how the family has got on together, how the parenting has worked (or not) and various other factors that arise from an individual's history.

I've been asked by clients if I felt their depression or anxiety has stemmed from them being an only child or perhaps the youngest of say two or three. The answer is always, I don't know for sure, but delve a little deeper and you never know what signs may lead to traits having been learned at a young age which are destructive now.

I hope you have enjoyed this article and if you have a comment to make, please feel free.

Simple Lives

There have been many quotes encouraging people to look around themselves for true tales of life, without the need to refer to those hounded by the paparazzi and I would go along with that.

I believe the lives of people we know are infinitely more interesting, of value and teeming with lessons of life, tales of overcoming adversity and making the most of a simplicity that seemed to disappear with the so-called 'golden' age of technology that has taken over our lives.

The emotional and mental impact of some of these stories could write a book on their own, yet I wanted to look at the lives of six people where the counselling side has not interfered or intruded. I have three people who have agreed to write their story, and indeed I received the very first one this morning.  There is a fourth in the pipeline and the other two will follow along no doubt.

I will be looking to publish these on here every now and again (I like to keep it fluid) and hope they will be of interest. No one will be paid for their work - sorry guys! but it does give people a chance to put down in writing something which is precious to them, their history.

Please feel free to make comments now and in the future and if this is successful, I will take it one stage further (more of that if and when it happens).

All items will be strictly copyright protected.

Cheers for now. John

Emotional Illness - Your Right to Stay Informed.

If you have suffered an emotional or mental illness, it is likely your mood and health have ebbed and flowed as the weeks and months have gone by.  Yet we often fumble around in the dark trying to find a route back to a level of health that will allow us to function.

I am still appalled by the lack of information available to people who find themselves with a mental illness.  Sure, there are lots of leaflets, books etc that tell you how to get better, but most people tell me they need to know where their base is first before they can even contemplate trying to improve.

A diagnosis from your GP can be a shock. All the doubting questions race through the mind, personal recriminations follow and then we are left in a void, not knowing where to turn and questions are left unanswered.  The fact that mental health does not take as high a priority in the NHS as physical illnesses, is a a travesty, one that few governments really want to tackle.  The fact that waiting lists now stretch to twelve months in a lot of areas is testament to that.  The whole idea behind IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) was to offer a wide range of therapies, but NICE needs evidence-based results and they decided CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) would fit the bill.  But it doesn't.

I read in a recent copy of my regulator's Therapy Today magazine that at long last, significant data is being sought for counselling vis-a-vis CBT.  It is years overdue although some data from a few years back showed that counselling is just as effective as CBT in dealing with depression and anxiety.

But you, the patient probably wonder, quite rightly, what is the best therapy for you.  Does your GP offer that information? Does the consultant they refer you to offer that information? Does anyone?

Given the confusion, I thought I'd offer some questions that you can print off and take to your GP or mental health worker. Of course, if you feel there are other questions, feel free to add them and please, drop me a line as I want to work with you on this.

So, here are those questions.

• Are you suggesting medication or therapy or a combination of both?
• What therapy are you suggesting I have? ***(see note below)
• How long will I need to wait for this therapy?
• Will the therapy be one-to-one or group work?
• Will the therapy be time focused (a set number of sessions) or open-ended?
• Will the sessions be weekly?
• Will the sessions be face-to-face or over the telephone?
• What happens at the end of the therapy sessions?

*** The general options here are CBT, Counselling, Psychotherapy.

CBT is ONE theory out of all those available and normally requires quite a bit of input from you. It deals with the specific problem you have and rarely takes into account much of your past life.

Counselling is eclectic, that's to say you will have a counsellor who can call on many theories to help you. Counselling is often a slightly longer process (more sessions to you and me) although be aware, some health units do limit the number of sessions.  It will deal with your whole life, not just a specific issue in the here and now.

Psychotherapy is like counselling, normally open-ended and may well go a little deeper and invariably is longer term work. Again, like counselling, it is eclectic and deals with your whole life.

It's important to know what you are being offered because you will know what feels more comfortable for you.

CBT can be very effective but it is a therapy that has become confined to questionnaires, tick-box answers and the like as that way, the evidence of success, or otherwise, can be gauged. From my work at Sutton Hill surgery, a lot of patients did not like the 'tick-box' system and felt the need to be able to talk freely and without constraints - such as in counselling.

I want this website to be a place you can come to to ask questions about your treatment, so by all means, drop me a line if you wish and/or share your experiences, good and bad. You can do it anonymously if you wish.

Don't be left puzzled by the lack of information out there.

The Art of Communication

It would be foolish to suggest that I could cover all bases of this enormous subject in one blog, as many, many books have been written about the subject over the years. However, I can give a flavour as to the many areas where we all fall down with poor communication and how counselling techniques can help us all.

Take a situation such as walking into a shop and wanting to buy something.  We all have different expectations on how we should be served, but I reckon most of us would want a level of courtesy, professionalism and attention to name but three criteria.

If we can't see what we're looking for, we need to know that someone, with a degree of enthusiasm, will want to point us in the right direction, check that we're happy and then take our purchase to the counter and process it with a smile and a degree of gratitude that we have used their shop. Not too much to ask is it?

Yet, I walked into a high street shop once, couldn't find what I was looking for and had to 'break-up' a deep and meaningful conversation between four 'shop assistants' who were mulling over the previous evening's Eastenders. One had an ipod locked in his ear, the other started to use his mobile, and the remaining two were chewing gum.

Asked if they had the item I wanted to buy, I had the curt, brusque response of 'Is it on the shelf'?

The other three just looked me up and down.

I'll be honest, I ended it there. I couldn't see that this was going to work and I really did not want to buy from them.  I made my excuses and went to leave the shop. But as I did, I noticed that all four of them simply went back into their previous modes.

Now, this may have been a little extreme, my unlucky day or I'd caught them off guard, but in all sincerity, how did they hope to make a sale with the kind of attitude that offered no basic level of communication?

Communication is all around us, everywhere we turn. In shops, on the phone, via letter, via mobile, conversation etc etc.  If we want to get a message across either commercially, as above, or privately, there are one or two rules we need to abide by.

We communicate with our eyes, body language, hands and that's before we open our mouths.

Eric Berne's seminal book, 'The Games People Play' detailed the many 'transactions' that go on between people every second of every day. From it sprung Transactional Analysis, an in-depth and fascinating theory as to how us humans interact with each other.

I have used this theory to assist people with assertiveness problems, anger issues and stress issues.  It breaks down the myths and fears of dealing with people in public and allows us to obtain what is ours by right and also goods/services etc that we desire.  There are some real fears within people regarding asking for what they want, for standing up for themselves, but it's possible to increase confidence in these areas many times over and give individuals the freedom to go about their lives.

From a corporate point of view, this same theory can be adopted by companies so that they know their staff are dealing with it's clients in the most professional manner possible.  It also helps in conflict resolution - or complaints handling.  If we recognise where we are coming from in an argument and where the other person stands, we can achieve a solution that doesn't require raised voices or the threat of violence.

To illustrate this more, I run a morning workshop for individuals who want to improve their confidence in these situations.  I also offer corporate training and welcome questions from anyone who might be interested.

Thanks for reading.

John Sayer

Control Freaks

Control Freaks.........

........... otherwise known as 'dominators', are people who feel the need to take control of someone's life and can cause untold misery to those who are around them.  Often it is just the partner, but friends, family and even work colleagues can come under their spell.

And they don't just have to be men!!

Since I started counselling, I have seen many, many people (almost 100% women) who have come to me to try and pick up the pieces after they have experienced life with a dominator and the damage done affects low self-esteem, confidence, trust and the general ability to lead life as they would wish to.  Their life has been squeezed out of them slowly, normally over a period of time and in a 'drip, drip' way so they don't always notice it is happening.

This blog reflects on some one hundred or so people who have seen me whilst in an abusive relationship and wanting it to change, those who want to find a way out and those who have made the move to leave and need to re-build.  There are also those who were still plagued by the dominator even after leaving them.  It is by no means a blog that provides a remedy, but it will help those who feel they are being abused, realise that they are not alone. Plus it will help them identify behaviour patterns.

I'd like to assume we are dealing solely with my female clients here, but I will make reference to men who have been abused by women at the end of the article.

Initial Signs

I try not to make generalisations in therapy as we are all individuals and as such are unique. However, it has been notable over the years that a pattern evolves with dominators and their partners.  In the beginning, there is no sign of the kind of behaviour to come.  It's a normal start to a relationship, nothing out of the ordinary whatsoever.  But something changes, almost overnight and then, what went before, fades into history.

Women have talked of everything being fine until, they get a new job, the couple move in together, they get married, the woman gets pregnant, then the birth of a child etc etc.  Then the man turns, for reasons best known to him.  He may find drink, drugs or gambling.  His whole persona changes and all the dangerous emotions spill out; anger, guilt, suspicion.

What goes on after I will come on to, but my initial contact with a female client who has been through this, is one who is extremely frightened, quite severely depressed, unable to socialise, suffers chronic anxiety, will have acute trust issues and see no future. They feel they are at the end of the cul-de-sac with nowhere to go and they'll blame themselves until the cows come home They may have experienced physical violence so will bear the body scars as well.  These women are broken, have nowhere to hide and are terrified of moving whichever way may be suggested. Plus, they may have children to consider as well.

Just because this goes on behind closed 'domestic' doors, is no longer protection for the attacker. The Police now take domestic violence very seriously and will help you if you report that you are being abused. There are safe houses the social services can get you in to, and refuges where the attacker can not get to you.  If you have children, they can be protected too.  There are now numerous websites to give guidance as to your rights and what else you can do in this situation.  Your GP should be more clued up on what external help there is and counselling is but one avenue.

What does a Control Freak do?

They slowly take over your life, tell you how to run it and if you don't do as you are told to, then the repercussions can be bad. Bad to the point that to avoid a beating, you will just go along with what they say. This is NO relationship, it is ABUSE.

Some won't let you out of your house without good reason. Some will ban you from seeing your friends and won't even allow them to visit you.  Some will try and make you give up your job. Some will deliberately get you pregnant so that you are then more beholding to them. Some will make you wear the clothes THEY want you to wear.  Some will play mind games; name calling, putting you down, making you feel worthless and your self-esteem and confidence will be eroded.  They will spread rumours about you, to your family maybe and try and split you up from your loved ones. Others will use their physical force to beat you, to make you do as they want. They may make you take drugs. They will flirt/have sex with your friends. The list is almost endless. They will force themselves upon you. They will keep you caged up yet lead the life they want to.

Some will use sex as a game.  Making you commit to sex even when you don't want to. In case you weren't aware, this is, in law, rape!!  Women (and men) have the right to say 'no' and for that to mean 'no'.

I have seen women who have said that the beatings are better than the foul words they are called because 'at least the bruises heal'.  But psychological intimidation is good enough reason for the Police to be interested.

These men are often very calculating when they beat a woman. Some will ensure that the beatings are done about the body so that when the woman is dressed, the scars and bruises cannot be seen.  But others go further.  They will push you down the stairs, they will burn you with cigarettes, they will pour scalding water on you and the list goes on. I even saw one woman who had suffered a fractured skull because her partner hurled a tin of baked beans at her in a supermarket.  Pregnant women have been kicked remorselessly in the stomach and some have lost babies.

It doesn't make pleasant reading.  The general advice is this - one slap and you get out. Only the individual can decide if they want to do that, or give someone a second chance, but when will it stop?  If caught in the early phases, the Police can be informed and you can get out with all your belongings before the problem escalates.  But further down the line it's not so easy.  We all hope someones behaviour will change, and in some cases if a person genuinely seeks help, it can.  But these cases are all too rare.  Generally, the abuse will get worse.

Unfortunately, a lot of women feel it is their fault the relationship has reached a stage where she can do no right.  But that is all part of the plan of the one who is the control freak.  

So, if you have recognised this in you, or someone you know,  there is help out there and I can help you find that help.  You can come back from the torment you have suffered, but it takes time.  But I have worked with victims who have become survivors and re-built their lives, met someone genuine and settled down and we have worked to put the past behind them. Of course, you won't forget, but there are genuine men out there as well as those who are women-haters.

It's prudent to add that some control freaks operate from a distance.  A relationship may have broken up, yet they still pursue you.  The constant texts, often abusive, threatening letters in the post, facebook entries that just aren't true and of course they may follow you.

Why do Control Freaks do this?

This is a topic all on its own and I may visit it in another blog. But I definitely go through the reasons when victims become a client.  Some control freaks have a mental disorder, a personality disorder, they may even be a sociopath.  Some seek out the vulnerable and don't even use violence.  They pretend to be rescuing you, but in fact it's all part of the game.  Many have low self-esteem issues of their own, but none of this excuses the results of actions I have seen.

Do Men Get Abused by Women?

Yes they do and there is a charity out there (the name escapes me at the moment) who deal with male victims.  There can be violence as well as the psychological trauma and because of the nature of the people who do this, please, if you are a male, you are NOT weak if this is happening to you.

I will finish the blog here and invite comments from you. If you have a success story, then that would be fantastic as it will show others that you can fight back.  You can remain anonymous if you wish - just your words will be posted.

If you need advice because you are a victim right here, right now, email me, I may be able to help. And if you know someone going through this, I can help with some coping strategies and a plan that can sort the problem in the short term. Please urge them to seek help.

Thank you for reading.

John Sayer