Control Freaks

Control Freaks.........

........... otherwise known as 'dominators', are people who feel the need to take control of someone's life and can cause untold misery to those who are around them.  Often it is just the partner, but friends, family and even work colleagues can come under their spell.

And they don't just have to be men!!

Since I started counselling, I have seen many, many people (almost 100% women) who have come to me to try and pick up the pieces after they have experienced life with a dominator and the damage done affects low self-esteem, confidence, trust and the general ability to lead life as they would wish to.  Their life has been squeezed out of them slowly, normally over a period of time and in a 'drip, drip' way so they don't always notice it is happening.

This blog reflects on some one hundred or so people who have seen me whilst in an abusive relationship and wanting it to change, those who want to find a way out and those who have made the move to leave and need to re-build.  There are also those who were still plagued by the dominator even after leaving them.  It is by no means a blog that provides a remedy, but it will help those who feel they are being abused, realise that they are not alone. Plus it will help them identify behaviour patterns.

I'd like to assume we are dealing solely with my female clients here, but I will make reference to men who have been abused by women at the end of the article.

Initial Signs

I try not to make generalisations in therapy as we are all individuals and as such are unique. However, it has been notable over the years that a pattern evolves with dominators and their partners.  In the beginning, there is no sign of the kind of behaviour to come.  It's a normal start to a relationship, nothing out of the ordinary whatsoever.  But something changes, almost overnight and then, what went before, fades into history.

Women have talked of everything being fine until, they get a new job, the couple move in together, they get married, the woman gets pregnant, then the birth of a child etc etc.  Then the man turns, for reasons best known to him.  He may find drink, drugs or gambling.  His whole persona changes and all the dangerous emotions spill out; anger, guilt, suspicion.

What goes on after I will come on to, but my initial contact with a female client who has been through this, is one who is extremely frightened, quite severely depressed, unable to socialise, suffers chronic anxiety, will have acute trust issues and see no future. They feel they are at the end of the cul-de-sac with nowhere to go and they'll blame themselves until the cows come home They may have experienced physical violence so will bear the body scars as well.  These women are broken, have nowhere to hide and are terrified of moving whichever way may be suggested. Plus, they may have children to consider as well.

Just because this goes on behind closed 'domestic' doors, is no longer protection for the attacker. The Police now take domestic violence very seriously and will help you if you report that you are being abused. There are safe houses the social services can get you in to, and refuges where the attacker can not get to you.  If you have children, they can be protected too.  There are now numerous websites to give guidance as to your rights and what else you can do in this situation.  Your GP should be more clued up on what external help there is and counselling is but one avenue.

What does a Control Freak do?

They slowly take over your life, tell you how to run it and if you don't do as you are told to, then the repercussions can be bad. Bad to the point that to avoid a beating, you will just go along with what they say. This is NO relationship, it is ABUSE.

Some won't let you out of your house without good reason. Some will ban you from seeing your friends and won't even allow them to visit you.  Some will try and make you give up your job. Some will deliberately get you pregnant so that you are then more beholding to them. Some will make you wear the clothes THEY want you to wear.  Some will play mind games; name calling, putting you down, making you feel worthless and your self-esteem and confidence will be eroded.  They will spread rumours about you, to your family maybe and try and split you up from your loved ones. Others will use their physical force to beat you, to make you do as they want. They may make you take drugs. They will flirt/have sex with your friends. The list is almost endless. They will force themselves upon you. They will keep you caged up yet lead the life they want to.

Some will use sex as a game.  Making you commit to sex even when you don't want to. In case you weren't aware, this is, in law, rape!!  Women (and men) have the right to say 'no' and for that to mean 'no'.

I have seen women who have said that the beatings are better than the foul words they are called because 'at least the bruises heal'.  But psychological intimidation is good enough reason for the Police to be interested.

These men are often very calculating when they beat a woman. Some will ensure that the beatings are done about the body so that when the woman is dressed, the scars and bruises cannot be seen.  But others go further.  They will push you down the stairs, they will burn you with cigarettes, they will pour scalding water on you and the list goes on. I even saw one woman who had suffered a fractured skull because her partner hurled a tin of baked beans at her in a supermarket.  Pregnant women have been kicked remorselessly in the stomach and some have lost babies.

It doesn't make pleasant reading.  The general advice is this - one slap and you get out. Only the individual can decide if they want to do that, or give someone a second chance, but when will it stop?  If caught in the early phases, the Police can be informed and you can get out with all your belongings before the problem escalates.  But further down the line it's not so easy.  We all hope someones behaviour will change, and in some cases if a person genuinely seeks help, it can.  But these cases are all too rare.  Generally, the abuse will get worse.

Unfortunately, a lot of women feel it is their fault the relationship has reached a stage where she can do no right.  But that is all part of the plan of the one who is the control freak.  

So, if you have recognised this in you, or someone you know,  there is help out there and I can help you find that help.  You can come back from the torment you have suffered, but it takes time.  But I have worked with victims who have become survivors and re-built their lives, met someone genuine and settled down and we have worked to put the past behind them. Of course, you won't forget, but there are genuine men out there as well as those who are women-haters.

It's prudent to add that some control freaks operate from a distance.  A relationship may have broken up, yet they still pursue you.  The constant texts, often abusive, threatening letters in the post, facebook entries that just aren't true and of course they may follow you.

Why do Control Freaks do this?

This is a topic all on its own and I may visit it in another blog. But I definitely go through the reasons when victims become a client.  Some control freaks have a mental disorder, a personality disorder, they may even be a sociopath.  Some seek out the vulnerable and don't even use violence.  They pretend to be rescuing you, but in fact it's all part of the game.  Many have low self-esteem issues of their own, but none of this excuses the results of actions I have seen.

Do Men Get Abused by Women?

Yes they do and there is a charity out there (the name escapes me at the moment) who deal with male victims.  There can be violence as well as the psychological trauma and because of the nature of the people who do this, please, if you are a male, you are NOT weak if this is happening to you.

I will finish the blog here and invite comments from you. If you have a success story, then that would be fantastic as it will show others that you can fight back.  You can remain anonymous if you wish - just your words will be posted.

If you need advice because you are a victim right here, right now, email me, I may be able to help. And if you know someone going through this, I can help with some coping strategies and a plan that can sort the problem in the short term. Please urge them to seek help.

Thank you for reading.

John Sayer