Sibling Pecking Order

The issue of being an only child or the eldest of three or wherever you are in the hierarchy of families, has long been discussed and many theories have evolved as to what sort of person you may, or may not be, given your age relative to other siblings. It has often come up in my work and was raised again the other day, so I thought I'd add a post covering one or two of the theories.

Going back a hundred years, it wasn't unusual to find yourself as one child in four, five, six or even more in the family.  School uniforms, as well as day to day clothes, were handed down and toys were shared and passed over to a younger child as you got older.  There wasn't the clamour for designer shoes or fancy computer games as life was so much simpler and what was owned by a child wasn't based on quantity, but  Albert Adler (February 7, 1870 – May 28, 1937)

very much on quality.  You would think that a large family would see the children carrying the same traits; certainly, geneticists would say that any changes between the children would be caused by small differences in the individual's genetic make-up.  But Adler posed the question , "Why do children, who are raised in the same family, grow up with very different personalities?" 

He illustrated through his 'birth order' theory that children do not grow up in the same family, but the oldest child grows up in a family where they have younger siblings, the middle child with older and younger siblings, and the youngest with older siblings. He claimed it was all about the position you held in the family constellation.

Adler believed that if you took a three-child family, the oldest child would be the most likely to suffer from, among other things, neuroticism (a long-term tendency to be in a negative emotional state).  He saw that the eldest child would have feelings of excessive responsibility in having to look after the younger children.  There would be the added feelings of 'loss' of the top dog position the eldest would have claimed when they were once the only child.  He further believed that as a result of this change of status and all the stresses that went with it, this child was the most  likely of all to end up in jail or even an asylum!!

By contrast he saw the youngest sibling as the one who would tend to be spoilt and that this would  lead to poor social empathy later in life. Consequently, the middle child, who would not experience loss or overindulgence and would fall between two stools, would be the was most likely to develop into a successful individual, although could become a rebel and to feel squeezed-out. 

For his own part, Adler was the second in a family of six children.

What about the only child I hear you cry?  Well, there have been some interesting takes on this as well.  

Granville Stanley Hall (February 1, 1844 – April 24, 1924) supervised a study which was published in 1896 entitled Of Peculiar and Exceptional Children which described a series of only child oddballs as permanent misfits!!  "Being an only child is a disease in itself," he claimed.  I can't say I share his views on that one!

Since Adler's day, the influence of birth order on the development of an individual's personality has become a hot topic in psychology and psychotherapy.  It's hardly surprising really as trying to pigeon-hole a child, or children, into a single theory, is impossible.  We are all different.  One modern theory of personality states that the traits of Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism represent the most important parts of personality (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birth_order). 

The typical family is today far different to that of a hundred years or so ago.  The size of families is smaller, there are more social and media factors that influence individuals and two separate families can now come together more often so the additional dynamics of step-brother or step-sister are at play.  

When assessing my clients I always take into account the family set-up, but I would never assume that an only child must be of a certain disposition just because they don't have siblings.  I think it's an over-generalisation to assume the younger or older child will turn out a certain way because of their place in the pecking order, but it is important to consider how the family has got on together, how the parenting has worked (or not) and various other factors that arise from an individual's history.

I've been asked by clients if I felt their depression or anxiety has stemmed from them being an only child or perhaps the youngest of say two or three. The answer is always, I don't know for sure, but delve a little deeper and you never know what signs may lead to traits having been learned at a young age which are destructive now.

I hope you have enjoyed this article and if you have a comment to make, please feel free.